I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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