I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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