:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
