turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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