You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
