his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
