Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
