Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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