Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
