I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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