Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize