I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
