yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
