She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
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