I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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