remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
