I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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