i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize