haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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