it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
