There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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