Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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