you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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