she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
if only i could text you this smell
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
