the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
