I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You are a genius and a whore.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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