I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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