Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
