Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
