it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
