i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
