So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
