Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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