Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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