My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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