I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
