and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
