Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
