They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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