I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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