I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I think my moral compass just broke
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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