Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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