so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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