Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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