So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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