she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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