Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
