this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
