You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
