Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
