Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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