so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
