remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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