omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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