Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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