When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I can tuck mytits in my pants
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize