my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
