You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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