my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
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