Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
