If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
