I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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