Tell her she can't have a vagina
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
